Crash
by PrairieLily
Summary: Gibbs has finally done it. Gibbs has rolled the car. What happens when he has to share a hospital room with Tony and McGee? Complete. Note February 23, 2006, a new chapter has replaced Chapter 7, Chapter 7 content moved to Chapter 8.
1. Crash

**Title - **Crash

**Rating - **T, maybe not quite but I like to err on the side of caution.

**Disclaimer - **Gibbs, McGee, Tony, Abby, Ziva, Ducky, and Palmer are not my characters. Jasmine McGee is my creation.

**Pairings - **McAbby, Palmer and Jasmine

**Author's note - **While this story is in several chapters, it is still complete. Still trying to find a cane for the lame second chapter to Breaking Up is Hard to Do, so I hope this entertains in the meantime. ;-)

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Crash

Tony heard a moan as he opened his eyes. It took a moment, but he soon realized the moan was coming from his own throat.

"Unnnnngggggghhhhhh. Whadda hell happen?"

He was startled slightly to hear a pained voice answer weakly. McGee sounded like pure crap.

"Gibbs rolled the car. There's only one undamaged person in this room right now, and it isn't either one of us."

"Uhgee," Tony groaned. "We're inna hosbdol?" Tony heard a ragged breath. "Yup. We're roommates for a while. Ow. Not so tight," he was heard pleading.

"Hmmmm," Tony muttered. "Nurses cute?" He smiled as he heard McGee answer with a pained chuckle. "Hah… ah ah… owwwww. Don't do that Tony. Hurts to laugh."

"Nurses cute?" he asked again. McGee sighed painfully. "Mine is," he said, matter-of-fact. Tony suddenly understood what he meant, and grinned as best he could under the circumstances when he heard Abby say, "Hey Tony. McGee and I had a bet going. How long it would take you to ask about the nurses." Tony made the mistake of trying to laugh, with much the same result as McGee had had a moment before. "Owww. Don't do that Abs. Who won?"

"I did," McGee said. "Abby knows you well, but I'm a guy. I know you better."

Tony snorted in agreement. "How's Gibbs?" he finally asked. McGee groaned bitterly. "Not a damn scratch. So he says, anyway. You and me, on the other hand… I've got some cracked ribs, cuts and bruises, a pretty gash on my temple, and a sprained wrist. I also whacked my head pretty good, hence the gash. And my laptop bought it. I've got the company logo from the lid bruised into my chest now."

"What about me, then? I feel like I've been run over by a herd of stampeding elephants. Being chased by another herd of stampeding elephants… and my battered corpse fed on by starving hyenas."

"Funny you should mention that, Tony," Abby said. "That's kinda how you look." McGee snorted and groaned, then attempted a pained chuckle. "She told ME that I'm still the fairest in the land."

Abby went over to Tony's side, eyeing him up. "Well, you have a concussion too, cracked ribs, a nice big bruise on your torso from the seatbelt, and a broken leg they had to pin, that's why you were anaesthetised. Oh, and your shoulder was dislocated, too." Tony looked up at her sadly. "Am I at least the SECOND fairest in the land?" His chin quivered slightly. Abby leaned down and kissed his forehead, careful to avoid the bandages. "Of course you are, hon. You're a very close second to McGee." McGee glanced over and smiled sympathetically. "Listen to her, Tony. She lies really well. Great for morale." Tony smiled weakly as McGee winked.

They heard the door swing open as Ziva walked in. "Hey boys," she said brightly. "How are you doing?"

"Shoot me now, please," McGee said weakly. Tony protested. "Uh uh Probie. I have seniority. Ziva, shoot me first. That's an order."

Ziva laughed softly. "Men," she said to Abby. "They're such babies."

"Hey," McGee and Tony protested in unison. The two women glanced at their wounded, and rolled their eyes as the two men started to pout. "You're just in time for the pity party," Abby said to her.

"We ARE still in the room, Abs," McGee said, starting to sound tired. "What Probie said," Tony added, taking a painful breath as Ziva went over to him and eyed him, a critical expression on her face. "Tony, you look like hell." Tony made a face at her and stuck out his tongue. She turned to McGee, surveying his bruised and battered form. "Tim, you look only slightly less like hell than Tony does." McGee scowled at her, and said, "You're a real ray of sunshine, you know that?"

"Just being honest, boys," she said, shrugging.

"We have to go," Abby said, suddenly. She went over and squeezed Tony's hand, then went over to McGee and kissed his forehead. "No killing each other. And no plotting to get back at Gibbs. And no goosing the nurses," she said, looking at Tony in particular.

"Abs, sweetie?" McGee said, sounding pleading. "Could you help me sit up?" Abby raised a scolding eyebrow at him, then relented as he caught her gaze with his classic "sad baby face with pout." She cringed as she boosted him up and he winced painfully, then watched him take a careful breath, then open his eyes and gaze up at her. "Thanks, Abs. I can take it from here." Abby looked at him sadly. "Aw, my poor baby," she said, as she rumpled his hair and kissed the top of his head. Ziva grinned as Tony made a slight mock gagging noise.

"We'll be back later," Abby said to the both of them. "Behave yourselves. We're women. We will find out if you've been naughty." Ziva winked at them as she and Abby left.

McGee carefully turned himself around and slid off the bed. He peered out the window to make sure nobody was watching, then reached behind himself and clutched at the opened gown, trying desperately to cover his exposed posterior. "These things are evil," he muttered with contempt, as he carefully made his way to the bathroom. "Hey, where do you think you're going?" Tony protested.

"The bathroom. I have to tinkle, if you must know. And I," he said smugly, "Can get out of bed to do it." He grinned evilly at Tony. "YOU, on the other hand, have a bedpan. And please be generous enough to warn me before you need to use it so I can leave."

Tony tried to heave a heavy, disgusted sigh at his smug younger colleague, but only succeeded in sending jets of pain throughout his body. He coughed weakly. "I'm in hell."

McGee eyed him. "Yes, you are. As am I. And do you know who we've got to thank for it?"

Tony glared at him, a sneer creeping up from his mouth. "Gibbs," he said. McGee nodded at him affirmatively and pointed a finger in his direction. "Gibbs," he said, a bitter eyebrow starting to wiggle it's way up his forehead. He headed into the head and closed the door behind him.

Tony waited, silently plotting revenge on their boss, then realized he had a bit of a problem. He heard a toilet flush, and a tap run, and the paper towel dispenser handle being cranked. When the door opened, he gestured McGee over to his bed. "I need a big favour," he whispered conspiratorially.

McGee eyed him suspiciously. "What's it gonna cost me? Besides excruciating pain," he said, wrapping an involuntary arm around his aching chest.

"Nothing. I'm not using that bedpan. But I have to tinkle now, too. Can you help me into that wheelchair?" Tony was beginning to sound desperate.

"Ducky will kill me. And he's a doctor. He knows how to do it and make it look like an accident. And he'll get Palmer for his alibi. Nobody will ever believe that Palmer can lie." Tony started to pout. "C'mon, Tim," he said, trying to endear himself by using McGee's first name. "Buddy, pal, trusted colleague. Please? Have some pity on your fellow man?"

"Tony, I'm not even sure if I can. Besides, you wouldn't do it for me," McGee pointed out. Tony blinked sheepishly. "Well… admittedly… but, I'm not YOU. Lovable, generous, eager to please You." McGee glared at him. "You make me sound like a cocker spaniel, Tony." Tony started to quiver his chin. "I'm a bastard, Tim. You're not. I really really gotta go. I just need you to get me in the wheelchair and push me through the door. You can close it and wait for me outside. I promise. At least try? That's all I ask." He gave McGee a little pouty face.

McGee sighed, resigned, then said, "The pout needs work. Trust me." He then gingerly made his way to the door, still clutching at the back of his gown, to check for incoming nurses. "It's clear," he finally said, then turned and walked over to Tony's side. Then he stopped suddenly, and a bright smile crossed his face. He pointed a finger upwards, indicating to Tony to just wait a moment more, and opened one of the drawers in the stand by the bed. "Ah ha!" he said triumphantly. He reached in and pulled out another gown, then proceeded to put it on, robe style. He walked over to Tony's stand, under the envious stare of his older colleague, then reached into one of the drawers and pulled out another gown. "Here. I'm not totally heartless," he said, as Tony's face lit up. "Anyway, I don't want an eyeful."

"I take back every mean thing I ever said about you, Probie," Tony giggled, as McGee held his breath and bit his lip, as he helped him to sit up. Carefully, wincing at the pain from his sprained wrist and cracked ribs, McGee worked the gown around Tony, helping him to tie it up, then carefully and methodically helped him out of bed, and into the chair. Tony nearly wept with gratitude. "I love ya, man," he said, relief in his voice. "Yeah, yeah. Save it for when you're dying," McGee gasped, breathless from pain now himself. He wheeled Tony into the bathroom, then quickly, he retreated, and closed the door behind him.


	2. Another Roommate

Another Roommate

Tony and McGee woke up a few minutes apart, stirred by the same thing.

They had another roommate.

They turned their heads and groaned in unison as they realized who it was.

Gibbs.

"I thought you weren't hurt, Boss," Tony finally said. Gibbs looked at him, his trademark stare a shadow of its former self. "I was wrong, DiNozzo. Turns out I bruised some insides. I almost got away with it, too."

"What happened, Boss?" McGee asked. Gibbs groaned again, without meaning to. "I was in the morgue and I…" he trailed off. McGee and Tony shared another look, their curiosity piqued. "I passed out, okay? Ducky brought me in. Then he proceeded to lecture me, and told me about three only vaguely related stories in between scoldings. Made me wish I'd been knocked unconscious."

He scowled as he heard his two agents snort and start to giggle uncontrollably. "Ow, ow, ow," they gasped, in between fits of laughter.

"Hey! I'm still your Boss," Gibbs protested lamely, to no avail.

"I hate to break it to you Gibbs, but backless gowns and bedpans are the world's best equalizers. Here you're just another injured schmuck, like me and McGee."

"Are you at least allowed coffee?" McGee asked, between chuckles.

Gibbs snorted. "Doesn't matter if I'm not," he said stubbornly. "Why? You got a source?"

Tony looked over and grinned at McGee, who grinned back knowingly.

"No, but he's got his own private angel of mercy," Tony said slyly.

Gibbs sat up slightly, cringing briefly. "Abby?" he asked hopefully.

McGee said nothing right away, instead first opting to grin like the Cheshire Cat.

"She's bringing my pj's. And she's bringing some for Tony. And you too, if you want. And I'm sure she wouldn't mind stopping at your dealer's for a fix for you."

"Pj's?" Gibbs asked, sounding more interested in that than the coffee, suddenly. "Real pajamas? No more peep shows?"

"Oh yeah, Boss," Tony said. "I've seen more than enough of Probie's tat. And he's had more than enough of showing it off."

"Amen, brother," McGee said, and Tony answered him with, "Oh, _yeah_." They exchanged a thumbs up.

Feminine giggling was heard at the doorway, and Ziva walked the rest of the way in.

"What's this about a tattoo, Tim?" she asked, waggling her eyebrows. McGee smiled at her sweetly. "That's need to know, Ziva. And you don't need to know."

"And the rest of us don't WANT to know," Tony said. "But I have to say, it's very nicely done. Subtle, yet still eye-catching." McGee fired a dirty look at him, and Tony stuck out his tongue. Gibbs just rolled his eyes.

"Abby is on the way with your other things. Does Gibbs need anything?" she asked, turning to the boss.

"My dignity, if you can find it. I left it at home. Or maybe it was the office…" he said, frowning with more than a little self-pity.

"Last I checked, Gibbs, your dignity was in autopsy. You left it there when you passed out in front of Palmer," Abby said, as she bounced into the room. She approached McGee with a flourish. "For you, my Fair Prince," she said, her free hand catching him under his chin, giving him a kiss, and depositing a package on his lap. He grinned at her and his eyes shone with tearful gratitude. She smiled warmly at him as she turned and went over to Tony. "And for you, dearest Anthony," as she reached over and pinched his cheek, dropping a package on his lap as well. "Boxers, not pants. The cast," she said, gesturing to his leg. Tony grinned like a kid on Christmas morning. She turned to Gibbs, who looked at her with slight surprise in his blue eyes. "And for you, my Silver Haired Fox," she said, bouncing across the room towards him, and dropping the third package on his bed. "I knew you'd want real pj's too, so I took the liberty," she said simply, shrugging sweetly.

The three men gazed at Abby, adoration shining in their eyes. "Dibs on the bathroom!" McGee said, as he slid out of bed, scowling at Ziva as she tried to sneak a peek at the much-talked-about tat. He clutched the package to his chest with his damaged wrist, as he reached behind to keep the gown closed, and scurried as quickly as he could into the bathroom. In a few moments, he emerged, looking utterly comfortable, and quite pleased with himself. "Tony, you next?" he asked thoughtfully. Tony smiled at him. "You know the drill, Probie." McGee went over to him and helped him into the wheelchair, glaring protectively on Tony's behalf at the women, as they both tried to sneak a peek, this time at Tony. When they turned to Gibbs, they discovered that he was already changed. "How'd you do that?" Abby asked, shocked. Gibbs just grinned at her, and winked. "While you and Ziva were distracted by Tim's tat, and Tony in general. The rest is classified."

They all turned to look as Ducky entered the room, carrying a take-out tray from Starbucks.

"This should not be allowed, Jethro," Ducky scolded. "But a small cup shouldn't hurt too much. Anyway, I fear the effects of your caffeine withdrawal would be more detrimental to Timothy and Anthony than a small fix would be to you, my friend."

"Thanks, Ducky," McGee said, as he wheeled Tony towards the bathroom. "Holler if you need help with the shirt," he said, as he pushed the chair in and closed the door.


	3. McGee's Secret Weapon

McGee's Secret Weapon

"How does he do it, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, sounding a little jealous. Tony contemplated a moment as McGee grinned smugly at them. "I don't know, Boss. I think it's the baby face. Or the pouty mouth. Maybe both."

McGee looked at them and his face morphed into a sad expression, his bottom lip protruding slightly. They rolled their eyes at him and he grinned, the pout vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. "What can I say? It's a gift. At least I don't have to rely on smarm," he said, making a face at Tony. Tony frowned. "Watch it Probie, you could learn from my smarm."

"I find that a properly executed glare works wonders," Gibbs said. He demonstrated, giving his boys a look. The effect was immediate. Gibbs smiled, satisfied. "See? Works every time."

"But it doesn't work on the nurses as well as a practiced pout," McGee said, matter-of-factly. "Not every nurse is susceptible to charm. And most are immune to glares. But a pout appeals to their natural nurturing instincts. THAT, gentlemen, is the secret."

He sat back grinning, pleased with himself.

"Hm," Tony said, as Gibbs sighed.


	4. Happy Place

Happy Place

Tony and McGee turned their heads on their pillows and glanced at each other apprehensively.

"What is he doing?" McGee whispered. He looked over at Gibbs fearfully, who lay with a silly, happy smile, humming to himself a silly, happy tune.

"Pain meds, Probie. He's in his happy place right now." Tony cringed as Gibbs hit a flat note. McGee blinked. "I didn't know that Gibbs HAD a happy place."

Tony sighed carefully. "Normally, he doesn't. But under the circumstances… it's best to just let him be. He'll be our cranky boss again soon enough."

"Ah," McGee nodded, thoughtfully. "And then, we need never speak of this again?" Tony nodded. "Not even under threat of torturous death."

They sighed, and Tony returned to his hand-held video game, as McGee turned his attention back to his book.


	5. Loyalty Intervenes

Loyalty Intervenes

"Are you serious, Tim?" Gibbs asked from across the hospital room.

"That's what Kate told me. Why he'd feel threatened by me of all people is completely beyond me."

"He seriously told all the women downstairs that you were gay?" Gibbs was caught between seriously unimpressed, and trying not to laugh. Laughing still hurt like hell.

"Kate told me he said it would cut down on the competition." McGee was sitting up, his bandaged and braced-up wrist draped lightly across his still-bandaged chest. Gibbs shook his head. "McGee, from day one you've only had eyes for Abby. I mean, you haven't always been together but you've always seemed to drift your way back to each other. Maybe even permanently this time."

McGee shrugged. "Well, I know that, and you obviously know that, hell, even Abby knows that, thank God. I guess Tony was just covering his bases." He glanced over at his colleague, snoring softly, almost inaudibly. "He looks so innocent when he's sleeping, doesn't he, Boss?"

Gibbs grinned. "Go figger. Anyway, Tony's dated most of those women. Clearly if they'd go out with him, they're not your type."

"Well Boss, if they believed a word of what Tony told them, women in general are not my type." McGee shook his head, sighing. His eyes lit up suddenly. "Hey, I wonder if they ever heard about that time in the bar… Pacci's murder investigation." His green eyes shone with diabolical glee, and Gibbs could already hear the gears turning inside his youngest Agent's head. Gibbs cleared his throat. "I did NOT hear that, Special Agent McGee. Of course, I am doped up on pain meds. I could have just imagined you said it." Gibbs smiled sweetly, still hovering in his happy place.

McGee sighed happily, glancing over at Tony. His colleague lay sleeping peacefully, his breathing softly audible, his chest rising and falling with each breath. McGee wrinkled his nose, contemplating something. "Nah," he finally said. "Tony's my partner now. That'd just be wrong, on so many levels." Gibbs raised an eyebrow. "But it's still tempting, huh?"

"Hell, yeah!" McGee said, grinning broadly.


	6. Sweet Merciful Morgue Assistants

Sweet Merciful Morgue Assistants

"So McGee, how does it feel knowing you're probably gonna end up with Palmer for a brother-in-law?" Tony was in a teasing mood.

McGee looked over at him. "Doesn't bother me. Palmer's a good, decent guy. Anyway, I can still put the fear of God in him." McGee winked as Tony chuckled carefully. Finally, laughing didn't hurt so much.

"I thought you hated the little… what did you call him? Pipsqueak?" Gibbs was awake now and catching on to the conversation.

"Well, yeah. But that was before he was with Jasmine. When he was sniffing around Abby, I had no use for him. But now he's moved on. To be honest, I've never seen my sister so happy." McGee shrugged with the irony.

Tony snorted. "Moved on to your baby sister, yeah. I would have thought that would have put ol' Palmer out of the frying pan, and into the fire."

"Nah. Like I said, I can still scare the crap outta him. If he stays with Jazzy, I will have that power over him until death do them part." For having such a baby face, McGee was remarkably skilled in the art of evil grinning.

"Don't think I'll forget that for even a second, Agent McGee," a voice was heard saying.

Palmer cautiously peeked his head around the doorway. He grinned at his girlfriend's big brother, then glanced around the room to Tony and Gibbs.

"I come bearing caffeine." He stepped into the room with a careful flourish, going first to Gibbs, and then in turn to Tony and McGee. Gibbs stared at the cup, in slight disbelief.

Palmer had brought them the extra-large size.

Sweet merciful morgue assistants.

"Does Ducky know you're here with these?" Gibbs asked carefully.

Palmer cleared his throat. "Yes. And no. I was under strict orders to get the small size cups. But I just didn't have the heart to do that, Agent Gibbs."

"You're a good man, Jimmy. Welcome to the family," McGee said, gazing lovingly at the big cup of brew in his hands. He closed his eyes in bliss as he took a sip.

All that could be heard from Tony's bed was a quiet murmur of contentment. "Ahhhhh… hazelnut. Come to daddy," he mumbled, as he brought the cup to his lips.

Palmer shook his head, then went over to each bed in turn, checking the charts at the foot of the beds.

It didn't LOOK like they were being excessively medicated.

Curiouser and curiouser.


	7. Second Opinions

**Second Opinions**

"How are our wounded colleagues, Mr. Palmer?" Ducky asked, as Jimmy returned from the hospital visit.

The young morgue assistant looked at him, a look of concern crossing over his face.

"I think, maybe… nah." Jimmy seemed sheepishly unsure of his assessment.

"Spit it out, Mr. Palmer," Ducky said, trying to sound encouraging, but unable to stop the slight hint of exasperation from seeping into his tone.

"I think it's possible they're being over-medicated, Doctor." There. He'd said it.

"How so, my boy?" Ducky was genuinely curious now. Jimmy hemmed and hawed a moment, then finally said. "Agent McGee called me a good man and welcomed me to the family. Agent DiNozzo seemed to go into some kind of drug-induced trance. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings. And Agent Gibbs…" he trailed off. Ducky had to stop himself from smiling as the younger man clearly failed an attempt to suppress a shudder of some kind.

"Mr. Palmer, did you take them coffee, like you said you would?"

Palmer nodded. "Black for Agent Gibbs, latte for Agent McGee, hazelnut for Agent DiNozzo."

"They were in their happy place then, Jimmy. Jethro has been overheard calling the hospital coffee 'horse piss.' " Jimmy coughed as he tried to hold back a snort. "That's an accurate assessment, Dr. Mallard. I wouldn't give that stuff to my worst enemy. Except maybe one…" A small wicked grin passed over his face as he thought of Abby's former lab assistant, Chip. He had been nobody's friend, as it had turned out.

"Well, even so… I'll check in on them when I take my turn for the coffee run. Over medicated, you say?" Jimmy nodded. "Well, I shall see for myself. Were there any other symptoms to support this diagnoses?"

Jimmy thought a moment. "I did stop by once, and I could have sworn I heard singing. It was a silly little tune… but when I looked in, Agent McGee and Agent DiNozzo were sleeping. That only left Agent Gibbs. I peeked around the door and he had the stupidest smile I've ever seen."

Ducky raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. Well, there is more than one way to skin a cat, Mr. Palmer. And more than one way to soothe three big babies with big owies to sleep, besides the pharmaceutical method."

Jimmy grinned to himself as Ducky turned to retrieve his jacket. "I'll be back in an hour. Hold down the fort, will you, my good fellow?"

He knew exactly what Dr. Mallard had in mind.

The biggest question was, which story would he use to soothe the battered, aching agents into peaceful slumber?


	8. Going Home at Last

Going Home at Last

"How DO you plan on getting the boat out of your basement, Boss?"

Gibbs looked up at Tony. "Don't know yet. I figured I'd think about that when it was finished."

They both looked over at the door as McGee walked in. "Ready, Boss?" he asked brightly. Tony glanced over at him, jealous that he'd been discharged the day before.

"McGee, I've been ready since the moment I got here." He slid off the bed, and grabbed his duffle bag. "Doc says I can go back to work tomorrow. In the meantime, I really need coffee. A real cup this time. Not those shot glasses Ducky's been bringing." Tony looked longingly at them. "See you soon?" he asked, hopefully.

"Uh-huh," McGee nodded. "The sooner we can get you around on your crutches, the sooner you can blow this pop stand too."

"Ahhhhhh," Tony sighed. "Remind me to thank you, McGee. You've gone above and beyond."

"Tell me about it," McGee answered, rolling his eyes and grinning. "Abby will be around shortly for a visit. Palmer said he'd be stopping by too, Ducky's tied up in autopsy today. He wants a real report so he's sending Palmer to fetch. Oh, and Ziva said she's almost finished with your desk." He chuckled at the look of alarm on Tony's face. "Just kidding," he said, chuckling softly. Tony shook his head. "The doc figures I'm close to being paroled, maybe tomorrow if I can get around with the crutches to his satisfaction. I'll miss the nurses but I really want to go home. I hate hospitals." McGee nodded. "I'll be back later. You can show off your mobility to the nurses before you leave, maybe it will be tomorrow if you're lucky. They'll be in awe of you Tony. They'll wonder how the hell you did it without their help."

Gibbs sighed impatiently. "There's coffee in them thar hills," he said to McGee. "And you're on the scent, Boss. Got it. See ya later, Tony," McGee said, as he followed Gibbs out the door.

Tony watched after them, and sighed. He was already lonely


End file.
